Entry Four

: La Femme Fatale

when you've displaced yourself in another culture, you tend to seek out and cling to the constants. the similarities or the universalities.  if you try to absorb and dwell on all the differences- you'd go mad. and feel out of place. I think there is an innate desire in us to connect, to relate. not by coincidence- God did not create man to be alone.

Fred the dad speaks in fast broken english with a heavy french accent. It was difficult at first for us to understand each other and often our intentions were misread. We were driving in his Jeep in Paris. (the only jeep in paris) in silence.   he picked up his ipod and selected Cat power, then LCD soundsystem, then Metronomy. He could see me excitement and surprise growing with each pick on his ipod.  For the first time we related to each other. and it was over music. we were roof pumping by the time we pulled into the girls school.

one song he played was called La Femme Fatale. I asked him what that meant and he described the ultimate woman, what most girls strive to become, what magazines sell, and what men dream of.
a few days later it was the girl's birthday parties. I found this universal desire to be "La Femme Fatal" apparent even in them.

 Each on separate days , the parties had different themes, and a separate catering company, professional photographers, DJ's and party coordinators. Did I mention they were 10 and 11?

This is Garance, o yeh- and specially ordered paper straws .

Garance and Daphne are polar opposites.and their parties reflected their personalities to the T. We have a great relationship because I can relate to both of their polarities. Daphne, the elder - is unlike any tween girl I have ever met. She is quarky, clever, funny, and can be found with her head in a book about murder mysteries or sci fi's. She loves comics. Garance is the girliest of girly, three different outfits a day- coordinated jewelry, socially in tune and always ready for a camera. I have to tell Garance that that is enough oufits for the day and daphne i have to tell to brush her hair.  the pictures should explain.

This is Daphne- the camera can't even capture her.

And I am somewhere in between. 

Daphne, probably challenging the boys to duel ( she takes fencing)

The only challenge Garanc'es party guests had was to pick the best nail color.

Daphne's party favors were buttons with her picture on them and the date of the party . this is better than most WEDDING FAVORS

  went to the Champs-Elysees , dropped 500 euros on the girls party favors at Sephora, not a bad part of the job

girl girl girl
the party was seperated into stations, nails, hair, makeup, wardrobe, photo

this is Garance's cake. well was.

This is Daphne's cake, in France a Boom is the first big party a girl has that essentially means she can invite boys. perfect for her comic book themed party. 

La petite femme fatal

clothes hand picked by a designer in Paris for this tween party

Lovely makeup artist

this is Valentine , an autre petite femme fatal.  Seriously, a ten year old- knowing how to  work a camera! nurture vs. nature- we'll never know. 

I have little resolve or concluding thoughts to this universality. It was more something I observed in both these parties- though they were so different : we all want to be great, to be distinguished somehow. It can manifest itself in so many ways- whether it be the layers of makeup we apply or our heads in superhero books dreaming of being wonder woman. it's not just la femme either- its mankind. God created his children to live extraordinary lives, hence the innate desire. We just surface it in the oddest of ways sometimes :)

Entry Three

: of God or Country.

Let’s go back to that birthday party when we’re six- unaware of our surroundings and how our bodies are moving through space. We are changing at a rapid rate at this stage and can’t keep up with our limbs.  Johnny is chasing Stacy with cake in his hands  and you want to join so you start running too. But there is a root by your left foot that you did not see, and then concrete to the face. Stunned.  Your knee, your cheek, your hands- you are not sure where all the pain is coming from so you start screaming . But! Before you finish your first wail out of nowhere, swift strong arms have scooped you up and a consoling voice is in your ear. Your dad sits you on the kitchen counter, away from the noise- away from the party and the birthday cake and what you thought was fun.  He took you somewhere quiet so that the wounds could be assessed. And so they can be tended to.

France is my kitchen counter.

where i wander.

If I told you what I did everyday, it'd make you sick.  I am getting paid to vacate. I wake up at whatever hour I choose, read the Word, push a button so a perfect shot of espresso pours, go for a run or a bike ride along the Seine that is my back yard, return- read by the pool, and sometimes wander around the town taking pictures or just to wander.  During the week days, I am usually taken to the golf club to have lunch and occasionally I hit a bucket of balls at the driving range or practice putting.The family and kids come home from their work/activities around 7. Sometimes I cook but mostly the housekeeper does. We talk about our day, wind down and then go to bed. On the weekends, Valerie takes me to the “must sees” of Paris. Some tourist attractions, some of her favorite restaurants and shopping areas. She wines and dines me and has exquisite taste in food, wine, champagne, and tea houses. Are you sick yet?  Because by week two I sure as hell was. WHAT AM I DOING HERE? I have something ingrained in me that I need to be productive, to grow, to struggle, to work diligently to achieve something. And I do not know if it is of God or country.

Capitilism, or Christianity.

I do know that this season  in life is very… quiet.  You can describe it as restful, peaceful, relaxing,  or whatever. But if you look at most of my days- its just me for the duration of my time.  I don’t mind being alone- in fact usually prefer it. However when the only sounds that fill the silence are the sighs of contemplation, snorts or satisfaction, and exhales of frustration. It’s a bit maddening.

SO you’re on the kitchen counter and you stop crying because Dad is telling you its going to be ok but has to clean the wound, and it might sting a bit. He puts ice on the worse of it to soothe your sobs.  You know the party is still going on  without you so you ask your dad if you can go back outside because you do not want to miss out. With a firm but loving tone- he says no. you are not finished being mended.

how i wake up

what i drink

what i do

what i eat

                                                                             what i capture

where i stare

The life I left behind in America is still going on without me. One of my best friends is planning her wedding, Younglife in PB is going through a transitional time, my other best friend is still sleeping in my room how I left it.  A large part of me wants to jump back into the party. The life I left behind was going somewhere- I was working and loving my community. But the truth of it is- there are parts of me that are wrecked, badly bruised , and well- wounded.  I will be vague and say that the divorce has crushed  my perception of family and marriage.  God scooped me up at just the right time, and brought me to a place where it was just me and him. Somewhere quiet away from the noise, where he can mend things.

where i sit, and hear my dad's voice.

Entry Two

: Paris Makes Me Want to Do Bad Things

I have the most free time and least amount of responsibility I probably  ever will In my lifetime. I quickly made note of this and decided in order for there to be growth – there needs to be discipline! 2+2=4.  However, Paris – be it in the water or tea, I have said no to very little. It has put a spell on me. 

Paris, you have bewitched me body and soul.

And  have lead me to want to

1.     Smoke a lot of cigarettes.  Something I not only think is disgusting but not even an option for a life choice. In fact I think its suicide for procrastinators but STILL! its a natural part of the day for Parisians. Go to the bathroom, drink coffee, smoke, drink coffee, breathe, go to the bathroom, smoke.eat.smoke sleep smoke. drink.

2.    Wear red lipstick. It doesn’t matter if you’re running to la poste or to the club.  Parisians rock it. All the time. In fact it may be safe to say women wear rouge more than bras (see 4)

3.     Skip dinner. Head straight for the dessert menu.  French sweets are explosions of paradise in your mouth. I have yet to say no to it. The family takes us out very often too. This is dangerous.

4.  Not wear a bra. Which is funny because there is kind of an unspoken law among American girls: If you’re an A or a perky B you’re probably ok to leave the straps at home but here it really doesn’t matter how high or wide they’re chillen. Apparently it’s not weird for occasional nip action.  I teeter in a b or c so this is also dangerous. Perhaps if I start smoking I will regress and also get to join in on this one.

5.    Not smile.  I read somewhere that Parisians do this, I rolled my eyes but then I got here and realized: its true. Heres why: Parisians don’t like anything.   Smiling says your’re easy. Or easily amused- and which one is worse? we can’t have that.

6.   Drink champagne. Valerie only drinks champagne. So when we are out , anytime of the day, which is often as I said and its offered to me- I of course say yes.  EXPENSIVE CHAMPAGNE IN FRANCE THAT IM NOT PAYING FOR? Of course I will say yes. Everytime.

                                                                entry one.

    

It’s like at your 6 year old birthday party. Someone hands you a bat, blindfolds you, and spins you around until you are disoriented but you’re so determined to burst open that colored paper mache, to be the one to shower everyone with dollar store candy , to win, to succeed. So we swing with all our might but then someone pushes you out the door of the party and its quiet. The noise of the party, the familiar faces, the familiar sounds- gone. Replaced with something foreign. But the expectation is still there to win . to succeed- after all-im armed, I still have my bat that was handed to me as I walked across the stage on graduation day.

May was nothing short of a whirlwind. I was spun around, flipped upside down- flown across the country. From sun up to sun down I was surrounded by people who I loved the most. I partied. Graduated. Partied.Flew to CA for a glorious wedding with friends, said goodbye to my best friends in west palm, and finally ended the month in SC with my family for my brother’s stunning wedding.  I have never laughed harder, cried steadily, and said so many painful goodbyes than I did in the month of may. Not just to people that I would not see but to a chapter of my life that was exuberating.

Hours later after the wedding I am waking up to a flight attendant that is jabbering in a beautiful but unfamiliar tone. My sleep mask my blindfold. I vaguely remember the hours in between the wedding reception and the flight to Paris. I am pushed off the plane, away from the party. It is June 1 , the party is over. Bat in hand, still dizzy –or jet lagged rather. I stumble away from all that I know and into complete darkness. I have no idea what is in store for me this summer, what the family is like, where I am living, what my responsibilities are, or anything  about Europe, France, Paris . hell I can not even talk to strangers if I wanted.  In the dark. Unknown. I breathe. I have a college degree now, that should mean something right?  My bat, my “expensive tool for life” my years in the classroom , my degree are seeming meaningless at the moment because I get lost  trying to find baggage claim from my gate.  It was then I thanked my background  in charades rather than psychology to find my luggage. After hours of circling the airport I find the family who hired me.

Within the first 48 hours of arriving in Paris, I have done more than some have in a lifetime. I wish I was not drugged with jetlag-  but it was hard to miss the splendor of the Eiffel tower, or the grandness of the Louvre, and the exquisite meal I had in the Garden of Versailles. These were each bucket list items for me but for the family I am working for, simply a weekend in their home town.  I tried acting as nonchalant as the Querleus  but squeals of delight would sometimes erupt from my spout.

Blindfold off, bat- not needed,  somehow I was still showered with sweets. 

My 45 year old self

Strollin in the Outback

I was recently going through some old journals and came across this letter I wrote to my 45 year old self. I wrote it exactly one year ago when I was in Australia, and find it still to be true.

Dear you in 25 years,
Right now you're sitting on a sandhill in the outback of Australia. In some ways, I hope you don't change much. I hope that you continue to seek higher ground no matter what your circumstance, be it this desert or a social justice. There will be roads that are easier to take, methods that require less faith, mountains you could go around- but I hope you don't. You could potentially have a daughter my age who learned how to love well from her mother like you did- or you could still be in Cambodia fighting for the freedom of sex slaves. I'd like to think that by 2035 human trafficking would cease to be- that legislation would get passed to illegalize prostitution in the Red Light District. I hope that you are out of the job and are able to move on to another social injustice. Hopefully the road to Haiti's recovery is not as long as predicted and their infrastructure and water is close to being restored to a condition better than the last. most of what I hope for the world won't happen until earth is restored and creation has met it's maker. But until then I hope it is in better condition because you chose to take the high road. I could go on about what kind of wife and mother I'd want you to be but I'm not really sure what God has for you in that area- I think if you're seeking God wholeheartedly as a wife, parent, or single woman the rest falls into place.
Most of all I hope you're still dancing... not necessarily in a studio or on a stage but you are able to abandon yourself recklessly and be lead by something bigger than yourself, that you're letting go , taking leaps of faith and standing on His feet when you're not sure of the steps. I hope you'll still be able to nail a pas de bouree triple pirouette- no pressure

ps. I hope you still like your tattoo that i'm getting next week.

The Marine and the Hippie

when you're traveling with someone-for an extended period of time you suddenly take on all of the unfun parts of marriage. you bicker and don't get to have make up sex after. you use phrases like, where should we eat, where should we sleep, do we want to run this errand first or skip it for coffee. you brush your teeth together and talk about how the day was while you floss. you learn that other persons preference in food, sleeping arrangements, music, movies, because it effects you as well. we bicker about when we should wake up, or what really was the best decade of music? i couldn't be tired when he was tired because, well we would crash. When im too moody to deal with the waitress he takes over.

there are times i want to crawl in his lap and sleep. there are probably more times i want to push him out of the car, in part because the way we view and define things is quite opposite;He thinks that workouts should be done at sunrise on an empty stomach- and pushed till you want to vomit whats not in your stomach. I prefer to run after you sleep in and have a lite breakfast after your quiet time. He thinks I have an addiction to coffee and use it as a crutch. I think it is God's sweet gift to mother earth. He double bags things to secure his groceries- I would carry them in my arms before i used a plastic. He drives a truck and doesn't mind country. I listen to wilco on vinyl.

I was trying to explain to him the logic of my eating habits - he stared hard and said "sometimes when you talk , its like a train wreck in my head. I dont even know where to begin"

Because our God is unfathomably larger than our worldly boundaries and cultural differences, we made a great team.

I told him when he needed to relax, and be. He told me when I needed to be productive.

On paper, he is your all american country -truck driving- marine- now firefighter still serving his country man. And I- a southern belle. but both of us are running, both of us bitter about what we spent our lives on in the past- both wanting something different than the American dream. He wouldn't tell you he served seven years in the Marines. And when people ask me where I'm from I say Palm Beach.

That's why we worked , Very seldom does a team function well because they have similar backgrounds , it is because they are running in the same direction.

The dynamics of Brandon and I were another way God showed up and proved his faithfulness on this tour

#tour2011 #endslavery

And the Lord proved his faithfulness. our first stop was Ft. Myers, Fl where we connected with Summit Church. we met a glorious couple who happened to have the only safehouse for rescued victims of sex slavery. we made a lunch date and went over their non- punitive approach to aftercare. I took notes vigorously because their program was wicked successful and more importantly it was biblical. they have been working with law enforcement, task forces, and coalitions for years, as well as DCF ( child services ) . they knew the hurdles , the jumps , the mountains. we could not come across a couple with more knowledge and wisdom on aftercare. we went to the Collier County Coalition meeting the next day with them and saw a different side of this fight to end slavery. the lawyer side, its not so heartfelt.
nonetheless we learned a ton about the different faces of this fight.
Every city hasn't been as busy, we went on to tampa- connected with Underground church. great community! In Orlando we met people from Status Church at a coffee shop called Downtown Credo. It is a non Profit business that donates all the proceeds back into the needs that are specific to orlando. also! Maya strange does all the baking for tasty treats. she is the wife of Relevant magazines owner.
in Tallahassee we were blessed to connect with IHOP . witnessing their hearts for change was encouraging, they prayed over injustice and our journey. they took up an offering at the end among the few missionaries that were present. we were sent to Atlanta with $120 in cash. so humbled.

Lowell , a man who started the first rehabilitation center in FL said this to us, "We are not abolitionists fighting human trafficking, We are first Christians doing the will of God. right now this is on his heart for us. if tomorrow it is orphans in Uganda, we go there. " This helped put things in perspective for both of us. I think in some ways this tour, at least for me was just another way God wanted to show me what it looks like to completely rely on him for provision, direction and guidance. There were nights we weren't sure where we were sleeping, and nights we werent sure if the bed we were sleeping in was kosher. We also encountered amazing people who encouraged us in our journey, sharing their hearts and wisdom with us. Though people have told us that we are inspiring - I am certain that I have received more than I have given.

There was a night Brandon and I were going to visit a young adult service at a "hip" church in Atlanta. we were so hungry we thought we would grab food and then just go to the service late to connect with the pastor after. we sat down at a restaurant and felt completely convicted for half assing this oppurtunity to connect with this church. we left before the waitress took our order and went to the church still a little late. but the parking lot was empty. I thought, welp we tried. we filled up across the street and were ready to head home but then I saw a man with full dreads and a beard carrying the world on his shoulders. he crossed the street to meet his companion, a young dreaded blonde and two mutts, also with a large backpack. I asked Brandon if we could give help them/ give them a ride/if he could take him if they tried attacking us. so instead of connecting with the hip church we took Eric and Lauren, mudpie and flea to dinner. it may not have been on the agenda that night, or a goal on paper but Lowell was right. We are called to do God's will at all times of the day- sometimes that looks like telling a church about sex slavery and sometimes its sharing life with strangers.

connections were made. people were educated. we were stretched. and humbled and blown away.

this post skims the surface of our experiences. I want to thank all of you who were praying for us and encouraging us along the way.

a bubble bath later...

My gas light came on and I thought, of course. I am always low. Always late, and flying by the seat of my pants. And then I remembered my best friends lost her job today. For unfair reasons. She owned up to something that was hardly her fault. Because she is who she is she’ll fess up to something just so people can move on even if she wasn’t responsible. I wanted to console her but I had nothing to give. Dry as a pipe.

I sat in a bubble bath, wine glass in hand full of consoling cabernet. I was too lazy to grab cheese so I figured cheesitz would work. I didn’t want to be needed tonight. I ignored the phone calls of people that I talked to about hanging out. Delayed my response to texts. Felt even more terrible for letting them down. I stared at my reflection in the water and wondered how I got here. I took off school, quit two jobs I loved, moved out of my house to tour for the Redeem the Shadows. Now I wasn’t even certain if tour was going to happen. All three of us on the east coast team were having doors shut right and left . completely discouraged about what was ahead.

And then God reminded me of Gideon, who was unfit for battle and called to fight an army that outnumbered his. But God went before him

And Then He reminded me of Joshua who conquered a city by following directions that he didn’t even understand. But obeyed because he knew they were from the Lord.

And in Samuel when Jonathan said to his armor bearer, “Come, let’s go to the outpost… PERHAPS the Lord will act on our behalf”

There was an uncertain confidence about his faith.

I know- am more than certain- that this is what God is calling me to. I am uncertain what this month will look like, where we will go, and how we will get there. But I am confident that if God wants us there, he will act on our behalf, He will go before us. He will not call us to a war where he will stand by as we fall. I think sometimes we are surprised when we actually have to fight. When we actually have to use the armor given to us. we spend our lives preparing for battle but then complain or freak out when we actually have to raise our sword and fight. And risk. We risk getting hurt, looking bad in front of others, losing our job, losing someone we love- we risk maybe failing. And then we remember his faithfulness. In our lives. In history. So we go.

I have a good friend who has a fruit for a nickname and also speaks in some type of accent 80% of the time. but offered truth when he said, " Tiff, remember that Jesus received the holy spirit, and THEN went into the desert for 40 days and was tempted. He went through hell before he set out to do what he needed on earth . maybe this is your desert" the enemy will do all that he can to prevent us from doing God's will. We can't always right off that as God shutting the doors

Im still staring at my bubbles at this point and grab the phone to call Brandon who is on the east coast team. He said, I think it’s very American of us to think we have to have our ducks in a row before we set out to do something. Let’s just go. Maybe those doors were shut because God did not want us to plan out every day.

I hung up relieved, revived- and ready to go.

the aftermath and unfair fairs,

if someone would have told me a year ago that I would not be going to school, interning for a non profit and beginning my career as a dance therapist at a special needs school- i would have laughed and walked away secretly wishing it was true. and knowing i would never be bold enough to take all that on , to leave my 4 year degree plan i made when i was 12.

that is why God's timing is always perfect. It took him removing me from American ideals, placing me in a program that studied His view of justice for the world, and surrounding me with people who lived differently- unconventionally, unformulated for me to say "OK God Let's do this" when this internship presented itself, and i looked at how my life would be different if i took it- it felt perfectly natural to say yes. as if someone offered me a drink when i was thirsty.

When I returned to Palm Beach in January I still had people close to me that were confused about what exactly I was doing with my life. some even thought I wasn't returning so I thought I would clear the air. I am not currently enrolled at PBA although I still live here. the reason being- I took the internship with Redeem The Shadows which is a non profit that raises awareness for modern day slavery and funds for rehabilitation centers in India and the US. I am touring ( God willing and the creek don't rise) during March to visit schools/churches/concert venues to speak or do demonstrations raising awareness and funds. meanwhile... I am working at a spa on the island full of botox moms and the elderly trying to catch the beat. I am still heavily involved with YoungLife and going to the beach. sadly I am not dancing like I use to but do attend random classes that are offered to maintain my sanity. However I met with the Ewing School director yesterday because she wanted to implement dance in their special needs curriculum. ( dance therapy has been used with autistic children for years because it bridges the cognitive process of seeing and doing) It went well and i quickly fell in love with there methodology. I'll be working with Maria who is 6 and William who is 9. This opportunity came out of nowhere and I am so grateful for the people God has placed in my life to make it happen.

speaking of God being sweet as...I toured with the west coast team for their first week while they were visiting places in driving distance ( Miami, Homestead,FT. laudy, Palm City) and in just that week God continually revealed his faithfulness to the team. we were prayed over, prophesied over - with visions that brought us to our knees, anointed ( that was interesting ), and given so many connections with people involved in IJM and IHOP that could help us in our mission. my favorite part and the most encouraging was watching the body break for those held captive and wanting to do something about it. God is raising up a young generation that is going to be such a strong vessel to bring freedom. my prayer is that when we left their church or small group they did not forget the things said and the burden he placed on their hearts. one of our greatest enemies is apathy.

and speaking of apathy... I accompanied my two great friends to the SoFla state fair last night to see the Band Perry. now, fair people are even more entertaining than airport folk. some go for the rides- i go for the carnies. we passed a booth that said 50 cents to see the World's Smallest Horse! apparently it was real and 8 inches high. i wasn't 50 cents curious but then i passed a booth that said pay $1 to see the WORLDS SMALLEST WOMAN. all you saw was this box on stilts and i thought " there's no way a person is in there". I thought it was a robot or something- it was just dehumanizing. I watched the people's reactions as they rounded the corner to see her. some looked shocked, some laughed, some looked uncomfortable. no one stopped to talk to her they just passed by like they did not want to let her reality set in for them. and then they left and bought a fried oreo. a sign by her stand said it was a "West Indies Cultural Exhibit" i almost threw up. now something to know about Kaylee is she is worse than Curious George. she HAD to find out if it was real. Lauren is scared of little people and i only had 1 dollar so i let kaylee go in. I watched her heart break on her face as she rounded the boxes' corner and her eyes fell on Linda. she said she was just looking down at her hands playing with scissors, with a vacant expression. Kaylee asked about her life while holding back tears. "linda" is from Haiti. she probably came over after the earthquake, an american saw her as an investment. She probably will never go home, and her name probably is not Linda. I watched more people pay money and gasp. i wanted to throw up. so instead.. we walked away and bought a fried oreo
and now, writing this i feel like shit.
i want to go back and get linda out of her box and take her home.

but in Cambodia, or Amsterdam, or anywhere else in the red light district these booths exist not for people to peer into. but for men to rape the woman or child inside. and people watch. just like i did and then walk away.

and then i wonder, what if we fought for these captives as hard as Christ fought for us. what are we doing with our freedom. again. I ,and maybe even you, walk around like the creator of the universe didn't die for me. blehhhk.

His Grace is sufficient. and mercies renewed daily. PRAISE GOD. now let's go set them free

2011

welcoming the new year was exciting as turning 19. it's an ugly odd number that didnt seem to promise much. however, I'd like to jump on the clean slate train and make a few resolutions...

1. dont make promises you cant keep ( i realize to uphold this one, i should just not write any more but i'd like to think this will help me keep the rest)

2.recycle (at all will be a step forward for me)

3.visit friends far away. ( this goes with number 1, im always telling people i'll visit and don't)

4. write letters to people you care about ( I saw a USA headline that read " 2010. the Year We Stopped Talking" . this scared the shit out of me. )

5. read the newspaper

6.learn how to crochette and spell it

7. be frugal. ( dont buy dumb crap)

seven is a heavenly number , it also rhymes with 11 so lets hope my resolutions are faithful

More Liminality

the beginning of November 20, 2010 (this day lasts me 42 hours)

it's like the scene from Lost when they are on the return flight from sydney. the characters are deeply woven by their experiences and lives they built together in a beautiful land. yet the past is intangible. its like a dream- some far off reality. the only proof i have of the people i fell for and the land that i lived in is the ink on my foot. sometimes something will accidently rub against it- though it burns, it comes with a sense of relief. these past four months really happened. it was painful and lovely.

there are six more hours left in the flight. I'm not sure whether i'll kiss the ground or throw up because i'm so grossed out by the American excess,materialism, and facades. i dont want to be that bitter study abroad student that returns hating her country. guess i have a 6 hour flight to new york to pray about it.

22 hours later...

its like a bad break up. i'm only replaying all the good parts and then i become sad and to cope i become bitter and replay all the bad parts. songs come on that i listened to on trains/buses or walked home to and i skip over them. i thumb through pictures and stop because i feel sick.

i didn't know itd be like this.

i also didn't know that when people asked me questions about AUS i'd word vomit a gazzillion stories. and then i realize that they really dont care at all, they were just being polite by asking. and then i get frustrated because it feels im somehow cheapening my experience by trying to relay the best 4 months of my life in a few sentances or stories. i'd rather just not say anything at all. i want to remember them how they were lived not how i eventually dumb it down for people's short attention spans.

my fear is that this will never go away. i feel like it could only get better if i forget everything i learned and experienced in the past 4 months.

i want to build a wall to dam this past semester. jump over it and continue with life.

but i cant. because it changed who i am, how i respond to others and the way i see the world. i cant discard that.

What do we do with this

as a small backup reminder of the freedom God has to offer when you take risks, i decided to ink it on my foot. its part of a bigger picture , later there will be a tree ( get it? roots, wings)

also the other picture is of me passed out- kaylee nursed me back to health while my tattoo artist decided it was a good opportunity to take a cigarette break . "Let mes knows when she come around , mate" was his response.

if anyone has spent an ample time in the church you have probably heard the message a few times. it usually begins with a personal testimony of how that person was trying to find their identity in the world's offerings but was discontent so they tried out God. they soon realized that their identity was in Christ. We are children of God and should find our value in Him. and then what? do we live happily ever after because we found ourselves? not really.

oddly enough I had this realization during a discussion of Australian foreign policy and their relationship with the US. Maybe i was thinking about how blessed we are as a nation because of that, we should be conducting ourselves a little differently than the rest of the world. in my disgust with America's figures spent on the war and our unnecessary demand for Lexuses, botox, and heated toilet seats- there was a sick feeling that creeped in.

I am hardly walking around as if the most high God , the Creator of the universe, came down to earth and was nailed to a cross to be with me. HOLY SHIT . HOW DO WE LOSE SIGHT OF THAT?

I am so blessed! I have an abled body and mind and a family that loves me. it is my responsibility to use that in furthering the kingdom.

So theres more to this identity issue. we're children of God - our worth comes from Christ but what do we do with that? how should we then live differently because we have accepted God's gift of life with Him.

someone wise said we cant do everything- but we must do something.

so i made a few lifestyle commitments.

1. luxury tax: if i purchase clothing , shoes, purses, jewelry. i will give half the amount to some type of relief fund. ( world vision, Restore NYC) I have already made the choice to not buy clothes for a year (started May 12) which was tough but good in Sydney. I had to buy a few jackets/scarfs/dancewear because i was not planning on the weather but i left most of them there and charged myself 100%. Eventually i would love to be able to do 100% tax for everything instead of 50 but hey- i gots to start small.

2. stop using plastic bags. this is quite a choice for me because before coming to Aus i refused to believe that bringing your own bag would do a thing, i never believed in recycling nor thought much about if the planet fell apart in a few 100 years. But as christians we have a responsibility!

3.memorize scripture. its the word of God- it should be written on our hearts! a verse a week. come on, people memorize the whole Koran. this is not difficult

4. only purchase fairtrade coffee and chocolate. not going to lie- this has been difficult. but it makes you aware of corporations who are and aren't ethically sound. there are children working overtime with cocoa beans who have never tasted chocolate in their lives!

by publishing these i am asking you to keep my accountable. What are maybe some things you want to change about the way you live? start small! consistency speaks volumes. let's do life together.

Tomato Sauce

to catch you up.

November 14, 2010

you are behind on the times of tiff.let's fix this. ive literally had no time to recap recent events nor the internet connection to relay any of them to you.

lets skim the surface of things

1. i went to get a tattoo and the artist sucked at drawing what i wanted/was a jackass/wanted way too much for it. so i walked out of the parlor... no tatt

2. im taking the spring semester off to intern for Redeem the Shadows and tour with them in the month of march from Miami to New York. we are visiting different schools/churches raising awareness for human trafficking.

3. last sunday was the Hillsong Live recording. it blew my mind- the energy of God's people. unreal. it made me stoked for heaven . it also made me want to move to NYC asap and get involved with their new campus in the city.

4. im currently on a train sitting with an obscure bunch. some in suits returning from a long day of flourescent lighting. some construction workers with dirt on their face. a girl who still has last nights dress on. and some teenagers who dont know what to do with this world. public transportation puts everyone on the same playing field. i love that

5. a week from today i'll be flying from New Zealand, to Los Angeles to New York City. and spending a few days there with my brother, whom i miss incredibly. if you are not aware, Travis is one of the best men that is currently walking the planet and i can't wait to bring in my 21st with him

6. i'm scared about returning. i'm different and i dont know that all of it is in a good way. and im not sure how people are going to receive that.

7. two nights ago a group of americans and aussies went to Maroubra beach after the dance performance. we built a fire on the edge of a cliff and ate pizza in a cave. at least 100 feet below were gargantuan waves crashing on rocks like armagedden. i dont know if it was the spontanaity in which this night unraveled , the songs we sang under the stars or the indescribable view. but it might have been my favorite night in sydney.

Roots, Wings, Roots...

roots, wings, roots

...and the more mobile we become the less sense we have of being sensually enmashed with our world and interdependant with/ responsible for others- Robyn Davidson

i dont think that anything is a coincidence. Robert Ferguson said that if we believe in God's divine plan for our lives-that he has his hand on everything- than coincidences are simply glimpses of His hand on our life. I think God places people and opportunities in our paths at exactly the right moment in time and we don't always see why things are happening in that particular order or why this person was placed then, until we end up somewhere we never thought we would and see in retrospect how God got you there.

All this to say; i dont think it was a coincidence i ran into kaylee one day and heard she was going to study abroad at the school i was looking to attend for dance therapy. or that i randomly decided to join a flash mob performance at the opera house- little did i know at the time i was dancing beside the artistic director of a company i would later audition for. a few days ago i was getting anxious about this decision (i had underestimated your laziness on commenting.) that night i was assigned an article for a class about how America is raising up generations who are leaving and not coming back. college students are studying abroad, learning how to make the world a better place and not returning to practice in their own country. Even if we do stay in the states our idea of success is to have a house in LA, New York, and a vacation home in the keys. Higher education is producing career orientated people rather than people with an intimate knowledge of place. If we feel we are in an area temporarily we become tourists in our own town. we fail to grow roots, build community , and become ecologically illiterate. "sticking to your roots" has never been an idea that appealed to me, hence i went to college in florida and well now im in australia. i looked down on the people that never left home and thought they were quite "uncultured" . which could probably be true of those who have never left Irmo, SC. however! i see why this is a problem in the US. we have this idea in our heads that the more we move, and states we get to live in the better. but

the more you bounce around, the shallower your impact.

im not saying that if i chose to live in australia, i would be another victim to this mobility bug and not have an influence.

im saying that i think my roots are not full grown in West Palm. There is a community there that i intend on investing in until its done with me.

what i did not mention were the things falling into place for me back home. i dont think it was a coincidence that shortly before i left for australia i met a guy who started his own non profit for human trafficking. or that in the same week that i was accepted into Streaming Dance Theatre, i was offered an internship with Redeeming Shadows ( his non prof) and found a lovely place to live. it was not a coincidence that younglife girls that i hadn't heard from in a long while randomly messaged me to say they want to go to camp this summer and if we could hang out when i returned. Unless Justin bribed them.

call me crazy. you can even say i'm dumb for passing this opportunity up. trav you can kick my ass later. but I think that God put that article in front of me that night for a reason. one of my early blog entries is entitled roots and wings. it was about living in that liminal stage of life, and balancing out where you came from and where you could potentially go. it was about not forgetting what God redeemed you from while still living in the freedom of Christ.

what i didnt realize was that it was cyclical. roots. wings. roots. wings.

i also didnt realize what it would take to fly. ( so effing cheesy, its part of the metaphor just roll with it) Anyway God stripped me of so much upon coming here which sucked tail. now i can see it was just weighing down the flight. but dude. a birds gotta come back down to eat.

so needless to say, i'm coming home.

i would like to add that i really did underestimate the feedback on this subject and really do appreciate the support of those who encouraged me to stay here. i was just as reluctant to post this as the other, again out of cowardice. i felt i was letting some of you down. i have this huge fear of regret but it was subsided when i talked to Francois ( the producer) this week about my dilemma. he said he faced the same thing while touring london, people were giving him offers left and right but decided to stick with the company he originally came with. he told me that if i go ill be missed - and to know that i will always be welcomed back into the company ( with an audition of course) if i so choose. He encouraged me to still come to rehearsals until i leave so i can become more familiar with the dynamics of the company to see if this is something i would want. he said the only reason he is able to tell me this is bc he was my teacher first. I really am blessed to have that, most company owners are not nearly as gracious.

soo maybe when my roots are good and deep in the 561 i'll want to come to australia and be a professional dancer. who knows, what i do know is that if you plan, God laughs.

Frederick Buechner said that vocation is a place where your deepest gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.

is this true of your life?