the term blogging still surfaces middle school memories for me. myspace, flares, braces. But i thought my life finally got interesting enough where my friends and family would want to keep up with it. also this is so i dont have to tell the same story 12 times

if you're reading this, you probably know me well enough to know my middle name and can laugh at my attempt to embrace it .

Broken Cisterns

yep, that's a polaris coming down the steps.
This is Caroline, she ALWAYS had her hood up- such a G
This is Becky above and Below. If we were walking , she was on my back, if we were sitting she was on my lap. Her Dad left on her first birthday, she asked one of the leaders if he could be her Daddy.

Kids belaying Kids. you would never see this in American camps because we have so many liability issues. o wait and because its DANGEROUS.

I signed up for a class offered to my program called "Adventure Based Camping" for a few reasons; I needed more credits, I like camping, i knew it would be a good to get away for a bit. I scanned the syllabus before paying the 200$ fee and it mentioned learning how to lead a group of youth in the wilderness and use it for ministry purposes. I somehow got the impression ( maybe it was in the title, or the fee) that I would be learning how to pitch a tent on the side of the mountain- or how to build a fire with a toothbrush, maybe even what plants you can eat when you run out of food.

o how I was misinformed . I learned quickly through a leaders meeting i was going to be a camp counselor for primary aged kids who are "disadvantaged" . I thought ok sweet, I've done this- its not what i thought but at least I feel comfortable in this position- i thought YoungLife! but younger.

i arrived at Vision Valley which is roughly 2 hours up mountain terrain, late on Tuesday night. The campers were to arrive the next morning, i expected to have some type of leader meeting about what the camp schedule would like- or how many campers we were going to have. we started to discuss these major details as kids arrived... and as they did i was put in charge of registration. WHATTTT? I didn't know anything about that week, the activities they were doing, or anything about Vision Valley itself. I tried to act like it was not a big deal. I was given medical forms, instructions from parents on how to distribute meds, money for their “camp bank” whatever that was, and forms from their social workers on their home lives. this job was for someone else. Registration went fine, nobody died.

I saw a little tyke named Rhys clutching his rag doll , tears streaming, and he constantly repeated " i want to go home" . his mom was arguing with the dad saying if he didnt stay at the camp he'd never learn to be on his own. the dad argued that he cant leave his son screaming crying in an unfamiliar atmosphere. both, i thought, had valid points. Registration had died down so i pulled his form and saw that he had autism. I had him sit down next to me and i started to go through the schedule ( i hadnt even looked at it yet) to convince him he was going to have a good time. he quieted and became content just chewing on his ragdoll. his parents continued to argue while Rhys sat close to me. I became overwhelmed at his situation. seeing it from all sides- from a parents perspective, from his. i miss working with kids with disabilities. There’s this authenticity in their emotions that’s refreshing.

i had a bright outlook about working with primary kids...until about 20 minutes into it. The boys in my group were screaming hurtful things to the special needs campers below the balcony. I mean things you see bullies in movies say - but you tell yourself "oh no child is that mean" . well they are- and they were all in my group.

we ran out of time this morning to read their paperwork sent from social services. the ones i did get to see had ADHD, some domestic abuse, extreme esteem issues, anxiety, and more Autism. still no paperwork could have prepared me for the behavior i witnessed in the next 3 days. Here are a few instances

A boy named Hayden decided he didnt like me from the getgo. My rule of thumb is to kill it with kindness. He told me he wanted to see me climb so he could watch me fall. he also informed me he wanted to kill me... several times. I just smiled.

a precious boy, Nathan, came to me crying his eyes out saying Hayden was calling him names. ( i wont say what he called him)

i walked out of my room and there was a crowd of kids in the lobby, a boy pushed down another, SPAT IN HIS FACE, a said "fuck you mother fucker" I said- in my firmest tone, " Excuse me, you do not use that language! "

He turned around and said FUCK YOU BITCH. and flicked me off.

that would be the third time i was called a bitch that day by a boy waist high.

these situations were happening all day. it would be impossible to carry out the "fun activities" because they would not listen. if you told them to walk right, theyd go left. i have never seen such deliberate disobedience in my life. asking nicely didnt work, screaming didnt work. taking away privileges.. kinda did. if you were lucky.

We were watching a movie and a boy , actually the worst behaved, was named Cougar- sat next to me. He had a rat tail and cute/scary smile. He liked me for some reason, and offered me candy his mom gave him. I wanted to take it but he would be the kid that put it up his nose or down his pants then offered it. These are the kids we were dealing with.

It did not help that the camp was in a transition period and was completely understaffed. I was often left with 20 kids in my hands and not aware of what was going on because the schedule had changed, and the two directors were off dealing with behavior issues. there were times kids were fighting, and girls were crying and i wanted to cry to because I'd look around and realize there were no leaders in sight.

I woke up in the middle of the second night to boys screaming in the hallway "fuck you I hate you" and "fuck you dumb fat C***" yeh i cant even type it without cringing. I learned that word like 3 years ago. these kids were 8.

there is something wrong here.

on the flipside. i had wonderful little girls. they obeyed most of the time and got to experience great adventures and activities that they have never tried. they were allowed to be goofy, and have fun, and didnt have to worry about mom/dad hitting them or coming home drunk. They were a blessing and i hated letting them go, especially back to their broken homes. AND mister Hayden who wanted me dead was saving me a seat by the end of the week. His transformation was a miracle.

here are my bones with this camp. I , as a volunteer leader who knew nothing about Vision Valley, should not have been responsible for anything administrative such as registration, check, out or programming. which i was. I had to plan out an hour and half of messy games, designate leaders , make a supply list and was given 20 minutes to set it up. YoungLife camps function in a way where you show up to the activity and everything is already set up SO THAT you can just be with your campers. I now see why- i was so stressed about the programming of these activites that i wasnt caring enough about the kids.

Heres the thing- I have worked at many summer camps, with high schoolers, middle schoolers, kids with disabilities, as well as being on the "staff" side of things. and I felt unprepared/ untrained to deal with this group of kids. I can not imagine how my two co leaders felt

1. neither has BEEN TO A CAMP

2.neither has worked with youth at all.

for the sake of these kids- they deserve better. they need trained social workers, people who are familiar with Vision Valley, ALSO, people who are familiar with Australian culture enough to relate. these kids would use terms i had never heard - which can take away your credibility in a kids eyes- especially these.

another bone : i was told this in confidence and now im publishing it on my blog. but herego- Wesley Mission who runs/funds both Vision Valley and once my school Wesley - are in the hole financially. when i told my supervisor i paid 200 for this camp his response was "to who?" he said it should have cost 80.

it seemed on every level this camp had holes. in the funding, the leadership, the programming , the activities ( kids belayed kids).

But God uses broken cisterns.

there are holes in the Body. there are holes in churches- funding is shiesty, leadership is not up to par, the people attending are heathens. Somehow, because He is a God of Love and Compassion- and a potter; he picks up the broken pieces and forms it into something beautiful, something useful for his kingdom. I was inadequate to handle the things given to me, the camp was understaffed, the kids were ...demons. but by the end of the week we were all different. the kids had a hope, they caught a glimpse of a life they were meant to live. and as leaders- well i can only speak for myself when i say that i cant remember the last time i prayed harder. those 3 very long days opened my eyes to a very broken world. it made me want to do something about the next generations' desperation for wholeness.