More Liminality

the beginning of November 20, 2010 (this day lasts me 42 hours)

it's like the scene from Lost when they are on the return flight from sydney. the characters are deeply woven by their experiences and lives they built together in a beautiful land. yet the past is intangible. its like a dream- some far off reality. the only proof i have of the people i fell for and the land that i lived in is the ink on my foot. sometimes something will accidently rub against it- though it burns, it comes with a sense of relief. these past four months really happened. it was painful and lovely.

there are six more hours left in the flight. I'm not sure whether i'll kiss the ground or throw up because i'm so grossed out by the American excess,materialism, and facades. i dont want to be that bitter study abroad student that returns hating her country. guess i have a 6 hour flight to new york to pray about it.

22 hours later...

its like a bad break up. i'm only replaying all the good parts and then i become sad and to cope i become bitter and replay all the bad parts. songs come on that i listened to on trains/buses or walked home to and i skip over them. i thumb through pictures and stop because i feel sick.

i didn't know itd be like this.

i also didn't know that when people asked me questions about AUS i'd word vomit a gazzillion stories. and then i realize that they really dont care at all, they were just being polite by asking. and then i get frustrated because it feels im somehow cheapening my experience by trying to relay the best 4 months of my life in a few sentances or stories. i'd rather just not say anything at all. i want to remember them how they were lived not how i eventually dumb it down for people's short attention spans.

my fear is that this will never go away. i feel like it could only get better if i forget everything i learned and experienced in the past 4 months.

i want to build a wall to dam this past semester. jump over it and continue with life.

but i cant. because it changed who i am, how i respond to others and the way i see the world. i cant discard that.

What do we do with this

as a small backup reminder of the freedom God has to offer when you take risks, i decided to ink it on my foot. its part of a bigger picture , later there will be a tree ( get it? roots, wings)

also the other picture is of me passed out- kaylee nursed me back to health while my tattoo artist decided it was a good opportunity to take a cigarette break . "Let mes knows when she come around , mate" was his response.

if anyone has spent an ample time in the church you have probably heard the message a few times. it usually begins with a personal testimony of how that person was trying to find their identity in the world's offerings but was discontent so they tried out God. they soon realized that their identity was in Christ. We are children of God and should find our value in Him. and then what? do we live happily ever after because we found ourselves? not really.

oddly enough I had this realization during a discussion of Australian foreign policy and their relationship with the US. Maybe i was thinking about how blessed we are as a nation because of that, we should be conducting ourselves a little differently than the rest of the world. in my disgust with America's figures spent on the war and our unnecessary demand for Lexuses, botox, and heated toilet seats- there was a sick feeling that creeped in.

I am hardly walking around as if the most high God , the Creator of the universe, came down to earth and was nailed to a cross to be with me. HOLY SHIT . HOW DO WE LOSE SIGHT OF THAT?

I am so blessed! I have an abled body and mind and a family that loves me. it is my responsibility to use that in furthering the kingdom.

So theres more to this identity issue. we're children of God - our worth comes from Christ but what do we do with that? how should we then live differently because we have accepted God's gift of life with Him.

someone wise said we cant do everything- but we must do something.

so i made a few lifestyle commitments.

1. luxury tax: if i purchase clothing , shoes, purses, jewelry. i will give half the amount to some type of relief fund. ( world vision, Restore NYC) I have already made the choice to not buy clothes for a year (started May 12) which was tough but good in Sydney. I had to buy a few jackets/scarfs/dancewear because i was not planning on the weather but i left most of them there and charged myself 100%. Eventually i would love to be able to do 100% tax for everything instead of 50 but hey- i gots to start small.

2. stop using plastic bags. this is quite a choice for me because before coming to Aus i refused to believe that bringing your own bag would do a thing, i never believed in recycling nor thought much about if the planet fell apart in a few 100 years. But as christians we have a responsibility!

3.memorize scripture. its the word of God- it should be written on our hearts! a verse a week. come on, people memorize the whole Koran. this is not difficult

4. only purchase fairtrade coffee and chocolate. not going to lie- this has been difficult. but it makes you aware of corporations who are and aren't ethically sound. there are children working overtime with cocoa beans who have never tasted chocolate in their lives!

by publishing these i am asking you to keep my accountable. What are maybe some things you want to change about the way you live? start small! consistency speaks volumes. let's do life together.

Tomato Sauce

to catch you up.

November 14, 2010

you are behind on the times of tiff.let's fix this. ive literally had no time to recap recent events nor the internet connection to relay any of them to you.

lets skim the surface of things

1. i went to get a tattoo and the artist sucked at drawing what i wanted/was a jackass/wanted way too much for it. so i walked out of the parlor... no tatt

2. im taking the spring semester off to intern for Redeem the Shadows and tour with them in the month of march from Miami to New York. we are visiting different schools/churches raising awareness for human trafficking.

3. last sunday was the Hillsong Live recording. it blew my mind- the energy of God's people. unreal. it made me stoked for heaven . it also made me want to move to NYC asap and get involved with their new campus in the city.

4. im currently on a train sitting with an obscure bunch. some in suits returning from a long day of flourescent lighting. some construction workers with dirt on their face. a girl who still has last nights dress on. and some teenagers who dont know what to do with this world. public transportation puts everyone on the same playing field. i love that

5. a week from today i'll be flying from New Zealand, to Los Angeles to New York City. and spending a few days there with my brother, whom i miss incredibly. if you are not aware, Travis is one of the best men that is currently walking the planet and i can't wait to bring in my 21st with him

6. i'm scared about returning. i'm different and i dont know that all of it is in a good way. and im not sure how people are going to receive that.

7. two nights ago a group of americans and aussies went to Maroubra beach after the dance performance. we built a fire on the edge of a cliff and ate pizza in a cave. at least 100 feet below were gargantuan waves crashing on rocks like armagedden. i dont know if it was the spontanaity in which this night unraveled , the songs we sang under the stars or the indescribable view. but it might have been my favorite night in sydney.