More Liminality

the beginning of November 20, 2010 (this day lasts me 42 hours)

it's like the scene from Lost when they are on the return flight from sydney. the characters are deeply woven by their experiences and lives they built together in a beautiful land. yet the past is intangible. its like a dream- some far off reality. the only proof i have of the people i fell for and the land that i lived in is the ink on my foot. sometimes something will accidently rub against it- though it burns, it comes with a sense of relief. these past four months really happened. it was painful and lovely.

there are six more hours left in the flight. I'm not sure whether i'll kiss the ground or throw up because i'm so grossed out by the American excess,materialism, and facades. i dont want to be that bitter study abroad student that returns hating her country. guess i have a 6 hour flight to new york to pray about it.

22 hours later...

its like a bad break up. i'm only replaying all the good parts and then i become sad and to cope i become bitter and replay all the bad parts. songs come on that i listened to on trains/buses or walked home to and i skip over them. i thumb through pictures and stop because i feel sick.

i didn't know itd be like this.

i also didn't know that when people asked me questions about AUS i'd word vomit a gazzillion stories. and then i realize that they really dont care at all, they were just being polite by asking. and then i get frustrated because it feels im somehow cheapening my experience by trying to relay the best 4 months of my life in a few sentances or stories. i'd rather just not say anything at all. i want to remember them how they were lived not how i eventually dumb it down for people's short attention spans.

my fear is that this will never go away. i feel like it could only get better if i forget everything i learned and experienced in the past 4 months.

i want to build a wall to dam this past semester. jump over it and continue with life.

but i cant. because it changed who i am, how i respond to others and the way i see the world. i cant discard that.