My 45 year old self

Strollin in the Outback

I was recently going through some old journals and came across this letter I wrote to my 45 year old self. I wrote it exactly one year ago when I was in Australia, and find it still to be true.

Dear you in 25 years,
Right now you're sitting on a sandhill in the outback of Australia. In some ways, I hope you don't change much. I hope that you continue to seek higher ground no matter what your circumstance, be it this desert or a social justice. There will be roads that are easier to take, methods that require less faith, mountains you could go around- but I hope you don't. You could potentially have a daughter my age who learned how to love well from her mother like you did- or you could still be in Cambodia fighting for the freedom of sex slaves. I'd like to think that by 2035 human trafficking would cease to be- that legislation would get passed to illegalize prostitution in the Red Light District. I hope that you are out of the job and are able to move on to another social injustice. Hopefully the road to Haiti's recovery is not as long as predicted and their infrastructure and water is close to being restored to a condition better than the last. most of what I hope for the world won't happen until earth is restored and creation has met it's maker. But until then I hope it is in better condition because you chose to take the high road. I could go on about what kind of wife and mother I'd want you to be but I'm not really sure what God has for you in that area- I think if you're seeking God wholeheartedly as a wife, parent, or single woman the rest falls into place.
Most of all I hope you're still dancing... not necessarily in a studio or on a stage but you are able to abandon yourself recklessly and be lead by something bigger than yourself, that you're letting go , taking leaps of faith and standing on His feet when you're not sure of the steps. I hope you'll still be able to nail a pas de bouree triple pirouette- no pressure

ps. I hope you still like your tattoo that i'm getting next week.

The Marine and the Hippie

when you're traveling with someone-for an extended period of time you suddenly take on all of the unfun parts of marriage. you bicker and don't get to have make up sex after. you use phrases like, where should we eat, where should we sleep, do we want to run this errand first or skip it for coffee. you brush your teeth together and talk about how the day was while you floss. you learn that other persons preference in food, sleeping arrangements, music, movies, because it effects you as well. we bicker about when we should wake up, or what really was the best decade of music? i couldn't be tired when he was tired because, well we would crash. When im too moody to deal with the waitress he takes over.

there are times i want to crawl in his lap and sleep. there are probably more times i want to push him out of the car, in part because the way we view and define things is quite opposite;He thinks that workouts should be done at sunrise on an empty stomach- and pushed till you want to vomit whats not in your stomach. I prefer to run after you sleep in and have a lite breakfast after your quiet time. He thinks I have an addiction to coffee and use it as a crutch. I think it is God's sweet gift to mother earth. He double bags things to secure his groceries- I would carry them in my arms before i used a plastic. He drives a truck and doesn't mind country. I listen to wilco on vinyl.

I was trying to explain to him the logic of my eating habits - he stared hard and said "sometimes when you talk , its like a train wreck in my head. I dont even know where to begin"

Because our God is unfathomably larger than our worldly boundaries and cultural differences, we made a great team.

I told him when he needed to relax, and be. He told me when I needed to be productive.

On paper, he is your all american country -truck driving- marine- now firefighter still serving his country man. And I- a southern belle. but both of us are running, both of us bitter about what we spent our lives on in the past- both wanting something different than the American dream. He wouldn't tell you he served seven years in the Marines. And when people ask me where I'm from I say Palm Beach.

That's why we worked , Very seldom does a team function well because they have similar backgrounds , it is because they are running in the same direction.

The dynamics of Brandon and I were another way God showed up and proved his faithfulness on this tour

#tour2011 #endslavery

And the Lord proved his faithfulness. our first stop was Ft. Myers, Fl where we connected with Summit Church. we met a glorious couple who happened to have the only safehouse for rescued victims of sex slavery. we made a lunch date and went over their non- punitive approach to aftercare. I took notes vigorously because their program was wicked successful and more importantly it was biblical. they have been working with law enforcement, task forces, and coalitions for years, as well as DCF ( child services ) . they knew the hurdles , the jumps , the mountains. we could not come across a couple with more knowledge and wisdom on aftercare. we went to the Collier County Coalition meeting the next day with them and saw a different side of this fight to end slavery. the lawyer side, its not so heartfelt.
nonetheless we learned a ton about the different faces of this fight.
Every city hasn't been as busy, we went on to tampa- connected with Underground church. great community! In Orlando we met people from Status Church at a coffee shop called Downtown Credo. It is a non Profit business that donates all the proceeds back into the needs that are specific to orlando. also! Maya strange does all the baking for tasty treats. she is the wife of Relevant magazines owner.
in Tallahassee we were blessed to connect with IHOP . witnessing their hearts for change was encouraging, they prayed over injustice and our journey. they took up an offering at the end among the few missionaries that were present. we were sent to Atlanta with $120 in cash. so humbled.

Lowell , a man who started the first rehabilitation center in FL said this to us, "We are not abolitionists fighting human trafficking, We are first Christians doing the will of God. right now this is on his heart for us. if tomorrow it is orphans in Uganda, we go there. " This helped put things in perspective for both of us. I think in some ways this tour, at least for me was just another way God wanted to show me what it looks like to completely rely on him for provision, direction and guidance. There were nights we weren't sure where we were sleeping, and nights we werent sure if the bed we were sleeping in was kosher. We also encountered amazing people who encouraged us in our journey, sharing their hearts and wisdom with us. Though people have told us that we are inspiring - I am certain that I have received more than I have given.

There was a night Brandon and I were going to visit a young adult service at a "hip" church in Atlanta. we were so hungry we thought we would grab food and then just go to the service late to connect with the pastor after. we sat down at a restaurant and felt completely convicted for half assing this oppurtunity to connect with this church. we left before the waitress took our order and went to the church still a little late. but the parking lot was empty. I thought, welp we tried. we filled up across the street and were ready to head home but then I saw a man with full dreads and a beard carrying the world on his shoulders. he crossed the street to meet his companion, a young dreaded blonde and two mutts, also with a large backpack. I asked Brandon if we could give help them/ give them a ride/if he could take him if they tried attacking us. so instead of connecting with the hip church we took Eric and Lauren, mudpie and flea to dinner. it may not have been on the agenda that night, or a goal on paper but Lowell was right. We are called to do God's will at all times of the day- sometimes that looks like telling a church about sex slavery and sometimes its sharing life with strangers.

connections were made. people were educated. we were stretched. and humbled and blown away.

this post skims the surface of our experiences. I want to thank all of you who were praying for us and encouraging us along the way.

a bubble bath later...

My gas light came on and I thought, of course. I am always low. Always late, and flying by the seat of my pants. And then I remembered my best friends lost her job today. For unfair reasons. She owned up to something that was hardly her fault. Because she is who she is she’ll fess up to something just so people can move on even if she wasn’t responsible. I wanted to console her but I had nothing to give. Dry as a pipe.

I sat in a bubble bath, wine glass in hand full of consoling cabernet. I was too lazy to grab cheese so I figured cheesitz would work. I didn’t want to be needed tonight. I ignored the phone calls of people that I talked to about hanging out. Delayed my response to texts. Felt even more terrible for letting them down. I stared at my reflection in the water and wondered how I got here. I took off school, quit two jobs I loved, moved out of my house to tour for the Redeem the Shadows. Now I wasn’t even certain if tour was going to happen. All three of us on the east coast team were having doors shut right and left . completely discouraged about what was ahead.

And then God reminded me of Gideon, who was unfit for battle and called to fight an army that outnumbered his. But God went before him

And Then He reminded me of Joshua who conquered a city by following directions that he didn’t even understand. But obeyed because he knew they were from the Lord.

And in Samuel when Jonathan said to his armor bearer, “Come, let’s go to the outpost… PERHAPS the Lord will act on our behalf”

There was an uncertain confidence about his faith.

I know- am more than certain- that this is what God is calling me to. I am uncertain what this month will look like, where we will go, and how we will get there. But I am confident that if God wants us there, he will act on our behalf, He will go before us. He will not call us to a war where he will stand by as we fall. I think sometimes we are surprised when we actually have to fight. When we actually have to use the armor given to us. we spend our lives preparing for battle but then complain or freak out when we actually have to raise our sword and fight. And risk. We risk getting hurt, looking bad in front of others, losing our job, losing someone we love- we risk maybe failing. And then we remember his faithfulness. In our lives. In history. So we go.

I have a good friend who has a fruit for a nickname and also speaks in some type of accent 80% of the time. but offered truth when he said, " Tiff, remember that Jesus received the holy spirit, and THEN went into the desert for 40 days and was tempted. He went through hell before he set out to do what he needed on earth . maybe this is your desert" the enemy will do all that he can to prevent us from doing God's will. We can't always right off that as God shutting the doors

Im still staring at my bubbles at this point and grab the phone to call Brandon who is on the east coast team. He said, I think it’s very American of us to think we have to have our ducks in a row before we set out to do something. Let’s just go. Maybe those doors were shut because God did not want us to plan out every day.

I hung up relieved, revived- and ready to go.

the aftermath and unfair fairs,

if someone would have told me a year ago that I would not be going to school, interning for a non profit and beginning my career as a dance therapist at a special needs school- i would have laughed and walked away secretly wishing it was true. and knowing i would never be bold enough to take all that on , to leave my 4 year degree plan i made when i was 12.

that is why God's timing is always perfect. It took him removing me from American ideals, placing me in a program that studied His view of justice for the world, and surrounding me with people who lived differently- unconventionally, unformulated for me to say "OK God Let's do this" when this internship presented itself, and i looked at how my life would be different if i took it- it felt perfectly natural to say yes. as if someone offered me a drink when i was thirsty.

When I returned to Palm Beach in January I still had people close to me that were confused about what exactly I was doing with my life. some even thought I wasn't returning so I thought I would clear the air. I am not currently enrolled at PBA although I still live here. the reason being- I took the internship with Redeem The Shadows which is a non profit that raises awareness for modern day slavery and funds for rehabilitation centers in India and the US. I am touring ( God willing and the creek don't rise) during March to visit schools/churches/concert venues to speak or do demonstrations raising awareness and funds. meanwhile... I am working at a spa on the island full of botox moms and the elderly trying to catch the beat. I am still heavily involved with YoungLife and going to the beach. sadly I am not dancing like I use to but do attend random classes that are offered to maintain my sanity. However I met with the Ewing School director yesterday because she wanted to implement dance in their special needs curriculum. ( dance therapy has been used with autistic children for years because it bridges the cognitive process of seeing and doing) It went well and i quickly fell in love with there methodology. I'll be working with Maria who is 6 and William who is 9. This opportunity came out of nowhere and I am so grateful for the people God has placed in my life to make it happen.

speaking of God being sweet as...I toured with the west coast team for their first week while they were visiting places in driving distance ( Miami, Homestead,FT. laudy, Palm City) and in just that week God continually revealed his faithfulness to the team. we were prayed over, prophesied over - with visions that brought us to our knees, anointed ( that was interesting ), and given so many connections with people involved in IJM and IHOP that could help us in our mission. my favorite part and the most encouraging was watching the body break for those held captive and wanting to do something about it. God is raising up a young generation that is going to be such a strong vessel to bring freedom. my prayer is that when we left their church or small group they did not forget the things said and the burden he placed on their hearts. one of our greatest enemies is apathy.

and speaking of apathy... I accompanied my two great friends to the SoFla state fair last night to see the Band Perry. now, fair people are even more entertaining than airport folk. some go for the rides- i go for the carnies. we passed a booth that said 50 cents to see the World's Smallest Horse! apparently it was real and 8 inches high. i wasn't 50 cents curious but then i passed a booth that said pay $1 to see the WORLDS SMALLEST WOMAN. all you saw was this box on stilts and i thought " there's no way a person is in there". I thought it was a robot or something- it was just dehumanizing. I watched the people's reactions as they rounded the corner to see her. some looked shocked, some laughed, some looked uncomfortable. no one stopped to talk to her they just passed by like they did not want to let her reality set in for them. and then they left and bought a fried oreo. a sign by her stand said it was a "West Indies Cultural Exhibit" i almost threw up. now something to know about Kaylee is she is worse than Curious George. she HAD to find out if it was real. Lauren is scared of little people and i only had 1 dollar so i let kaylee go in. I watched her heart break on her face as she rounded the boxes' corner and her eyes fell on Linda. she said she was just looking down at her hands playing with scissors, with a vacant expression. Kaylee asked about her life while holding back tears. "linda" is from Haiti. she probably came over after the earthquake, an american saw her as an investment. She probably will never go home, and her name probably is not Linda. I watched more people pay money and gasp. i wanted to throw up. so instead.. we walked away and bought a fried oreo
and now, writing this i feel like shit.
i want to go back and get linda out of her box and take her home.

but in Cambodia, or Amsterdam, or anywhere else in the red light district these booths exist not for people to peer into. but for men to rape the woman or child inside. and people watch. just like i did and then walk away.

and then i wonder, what if we fought for these captives as hard as Christ fought for us. what are we doing with our freedom. again. I ,and maybe even you, walk around like the creator of the universe didn't die for me. blehhhk.

His Grace is sufficient. and mercies renewed daily. PRAISE GOD. now let's go set them free

2011

welcoming the new year was exciting as turning 19. it's an ugly odd number that didnt seem to promise much. however, I'd like to jump on the clean slate train and make a few resolutions...

1. dont make promises you cant keep ( i realize to uphold this one, i should just not write any more but i'd like to think this will help me keep the rest)

2.recycle (at all will be a step forward for me)

3.visit friends far away. ( this goes with number 1, im always telling people i'll visit and don't)

4. write letters to people you care about ( I saw a USA headline that read " 2010. the Year We Stopped Talking" . this scared the shit out of me. )

5. read the newspaper

6.learn how to crochette and spell it

7. be frugal. ( dont buy dumb crap)

seven is a heavenly number , it also rhymes with 11 so lets hope my resolutions are faithful